Nothing made sense at the time when I was going through it, all the heartbreak, rejection, abuse. The traumatic birth of my firstborn, feeling as though I was thrown into motherhood. I feel so blessed to be where I am today. I feel love here and peace when I let myself. I can’t help but feel very sad at times and as the healing breaks through as the repressed feelings surface I say ” Why God, Why did I have to be the one to go through all of this suffering and pain? Even in the blessing I struggle to be whole” and then I cry for a while because I don’t know what else to do, why is he not answering back.
The further I delve into healing my heart and mind, the more I realize that the tears are the repressed wounds being cleansed and sewn back together. The more I cry, the more I realize God’s silence is not him ignoring my questions, not him ignoring my pain. It is him listening to me, as he sows me back together. His truth is the rubbing alcohol poured over my wounds, his grace and mercy the stitches, and his love the bandage.
There is a Japanese Art form called “Kintsugi” which can be translated to ” Mending with Gold ” where when a vase cup or sculpture is broken, it is put back together, and the cracks are painted over with gold. God’s love is made of gold; we are not on this earth to leave it the same way we came in. If we leave it without having felt pain, without any battle scars, did we truly live? It is in that pain and in that hurt that we feel and experience God’s love for us. It is with that pain that God can show others through you that he loves them too. It is when we break, that God is able to put us back together and trace our marks of pain in gold paint.
Who I was Before my Healing Journey
When I gave birth to my second child a few years ago, nothing felt the same everything felt different, my whole body felt foreign to me. It was like I was pregnant one moment and then I woke up in a different body after the birth. Everything felt harder, my self-esteem was nonexistent, ADHD and anxiety were worse. I now had Postpartum depression that lasted longer than it was welcome, I could not recognize myself in the mirror. I felt and still feel at times completely defeated. I struggled for the last three years trying to lose the weight my last pregnancy gave me. Taking that weight and the trauma I had been carrying all these years, it had started to feel like too much. And my health has reflected everything that I went through as a child plus the things I picked up in early adulthood back to me and had begun to see signs of autoimmunity.
I was told by the doctor that I have a possible chance of autoimmunity my ANA titer was at 1:32. Autoimmunity is when your immune system mistakes your tissues as invaders and attacks them. Childhood trauma has been linked to autoimmunity because of the impact it has on the immune system and the natural stress response. I had been bullied and, at times beaten, but most of my scars came from words. Most of the pain that was internalized and stored in my body was from things that were said to me and I held onto as truth in my mind. It makes sense when I think about it, after having never felt safe in my environment my own body started to view itself as unsafe.
How could I expect anything to change if I wasn’t changing? Kept the walls, I had built, running away from my pain by immersing myself in endless amounts of shows, and movies and relying on food for comfort. I decided after years of running away that I was tired of letting my emotions cloud my mind in a constant whirlwind. Letting them lead me in conversations and interactions, seeing others through my lens of trauma rather than as they truly are.
The Healing Starts Here
Through God’s Grace and mercy, we are new creatures. I know that sounds very bibbity boppity boo, but it’s true. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he or she is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NKJV) This means making the choice to change and following in the way God instructs us to, through trusting and believing in what he can do.
This is the path I chose for myself, ironically, a lot of wounds I carried came from my parent using scripture to justify their mental abuse and from those I went to church with. I am eternally grateful God began to show his love for me in ways outside of the church, which is what led me back. That’s not to say you have to go to church to feel God’s presence, because that’s not true, he loves you anywhere and all the time. Not because of anything we could ever do or say, but because he wants to by his grace. “He has saved us and called us to a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His purpose and grace, which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.” — 2 Timothy 1:9 (NKJV)
I had started to practice fasting because I heard of potential benefits from it, of course, I spoke to my doctor before jumping into this new lifestyle. What started as a search for weight loss results, turned into spiritual fasting from the idols I built for myself aka social media, TV shows, food… It was at that point when I started involving God in my journey to health that everything started to change, I’d started to lose some of the body weight while losing the mental weight of shame and sadness that I had carried for so long. A part of me was using the excess weight to hide from the world, and while I had convinced myself I was safe I was ruining my health in the process. When God met me where I was I was able to welcome him, truly welcome him by admitting to myself that I had been idolizing things that hurt me. I was able to start letting those things go, this does not mean they just went away because I am still tempted by them. The difference now is through Christ; I have the strength and peace to continually fight and keep letting go of the things that hurt me.
My Ongoing Journey
As I write this blog post I reflect on my mental health and recovery, my healing journey as a whole. I am so grateful that I gave myself space to heal. Although my journey is not done and I continue to find healing, I feel blessed and at peace with all the hurtful things that were done to me. Knowing that I had no control over how someone chose to treat me, I had no control over anything but my own choices and actions. If someone chooses anything other than kindness I let them, I choose to love them anyway. All I can do is put everything in God’s hands in an act of faith.
I read so many self-help books and do personal discovery exercises so that I can get to know who I actually am. Focusing on changing my habits and replacing them with healthier ones like eating balanced meals, moving my body, and transforming my mind through The Word of God and affirmations. I do things that I love like painting, writing poetry, gardening, listening to books, and walking in nature. I have created boundaries for myself and now have true self-love and respect for myself, by holding myself and others to those boundaries, unapologetically. Letting go of all the people that I used to be and embracing myself now scars and all. Letting God’s love surround me and trace my scars with gold paint.
In this blog, I will continue to share my journey as well as the tools that I use and what has worked for me to get to where I am and continue to go. I will provide hopefully encouragement to you, while I encourage myself in the process.
Why I’m starting this blog?
I hope to build a feeling of community and belonging to women who have also been through hard things and are trying to find healing or are currently on their healing journey. Motherhood can feel very isolating and it’s easy to lose ourselves in it, providing a space where women can feel seen, supported, and encouraged.
Within The Green Kaleidoscope, I will share things I find and implement within the healing journey that works for me and my mental health. I will share what I do with my routines and how I live day to day with ADHD, what wellness looks like for me as someone with ADHD and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and how I manage and maintain my health with those things. I will share homemaking tips for those with or without ADHD, my creativity outlets, and how I prioritize Christ-centered living.
I am not a mental health professional, nor am I a doctor or coach of any kind. I am simply a woman who is trying to figure out how to live in a healthy way and choosing to show up for myself, inviting others along on the journey.
What to Expect Next
Next week I will be sharing, How I practice Fasting for Weight loss as a woman with PCOS. I invite you to follow my Pinterest page at @TheGreenKaleidoscope, if you don’t have Pinterest opt into my email list here.
A reminder for you, no matter where you are in your journey of life or healing, you are worthy of love and support and feeling good.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”
Felitti, Vincent J., Robert F. Anda, Dale Nordenberg, David F. Williamson, Alison M. Spitz, Valerie Edwards, Mary P. Koss, and James S. Marks. 2009. “Cumulative Childhood Stress and Autoimmune Diseases in Adults.” Psychosomatic Medicine 71 (2): 243–250. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181907888.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, minister, coach, doctor, or any other certified professional. The information shared in this post is based on personal experience and opinion and is for informational purposes only. You are solely responsible for how you choose to use or interpret this content.